I don’t feel like titling. I mostly just feel like sleeping, honestly.
My baby will be one this month and it’s bumming me out in a big bad way. She’s such a perfect little person and I adore her so entirely… And she’s growing too fast. I’m missing it all. Being a mom who works outside the home is tough. You think you understand, especially the second time around, just how tough it will be, but each day is another trial. She’s my last baby. I am okay with this, most days, but some days… This morning I had to explain stay-at-home moms to Nora. I thought she got it because many of her friends’ moms stay at home, but apparently the concept is more difficult to grasp when you don’t live in a world where mom stays home.
Who’s going to be her babysitter? Who’s going to watch her baby for her during the day? Yeah, I know she is home with her older kids during the day, but when the baby is born, who is going to watch the baby? Just the mommy? Oh. But you don’t watch Eme all day.
Parenting is hard. It doesn’t seem that there is ever a clear right choice. Some options are more right at the time in the situation, but for once I would like a clear “this feels all the way right.” Maybe that’s just too much to ask.
At my last rheumatologist appointment, the doctor asked if I’d had my tubes tied after Emeline was born. I told him that I hadn’t. He paused for awhile, probably not as long as I remember it, but definitely paused, and said, “Well, I guess that’s okay.”
Life is complicated. If I didn’t have my disease, we probably would’ve waited a little longer to have children and I probably would’ve stayed home with them for awhile. If we’d waited to have children, they wouldn’t be my sweet Nora and Emeline. If I didn’t have my disease, we probably would’ve waited longer to decide if we even wanted to try for a second child. I’m sure these other imaginary children would be wonderful, but I cannot imagine life without my girls.
No real conclusion, just that I am tired and love my husband and children. I enjoy my job for the most part, I definitely enjoy being a two income family, but I wonder if there will ever be a time when I don’t have that nagging “what if” in the back of my mind. Probably not. I guess that’s just the human condition.