I don’t feel like titling. I mostly just feel like sleeping, honestly.

My baby will be one this month and it’s bumming me out in a big bad way. She’s such a perfect little person and I adore her so entirely… And she’s growing too fast. I’m missing it all. Being a mom who works outside the home is tough. You think you understand, especially the second time around, just how tough it will be, but each day is another trial. She’s my last baby. I am okay with this, most days, but some days… This morning I had to explain stay-at-home moms to Nora. I thought she got it because many of her friends’ moms stay at home, but apparently the concept is more difficult to grasp when you don’t live in a world where mom stays home.

Who’s going to be her babysitter?  Who’s going to watch her baby for her during the day?  Yeah, I know she is home with her older kids during the day, but when the baby is born, who is going to watch the baby?  Just the mommy?  Oh.  But you don’t watch Eme all day. 

Parenting is hard.  It doesn’t seem that there is ever a clear right choice.  Some options are more right at the time in the situation, but for once I would like a clear “this feels all the way right.”  Maybe that’s just too much to ask.

At my last rheumatologist appointment, the doctor asked if I’d had my tubes tied after Emeline was born.  I told him that I hadn’t.  He paused for awhile, probably not as long as I remember it, but definitely paused, and said, “Well, I guess that’s okay.”

Life is complicated.  If I didn’t have my disease, we probably would’ve waited a little longer to have children and I probably would’ve stayed home with them for awhile.  If we’d waited to have children, they wouldn’t be my sweet Nora and Emeline.  If I didn’t have my disease, we probably would’ve waited longer to decide if we even wanted to try for a second child.  I’m sure these other imaginary children would be wonderful, but I cannot imagine life without my girls.

No real conclusion, just that I am tired and love my husband and children.  I enjoy my job for the most part, I definitely enjoy being a two income family, but I wonder if there will ever be a time when I don’t have that nagging “what if” in the back of my mind.  Probably not.  I guess that’s just the human condition.




About cultofezzell

Ben's wife, Nora and Emeline's mommy. Finding the joy in this crazy family life while battling rheumatoid arthritis.
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3 Responses to Eh

  1. Heather says:

    My heart hurts for you. I had such a hard time with Evangeline turning one. Hang in there… You’re a great momma with incredible love for your babies. Nothing else matters to them!

  2. Erika says:

    In the James Cameron classic, Rose’s mother says, “we’re women, our choices are never easy.” I know the screenwriting for the movie “Titanic” was not exemplary, nor does the situation spurring this comment have much to do with the situations we deal with today (thank god we got to choose our spouses), but I really think the sentiment of this statement rings very true for the modern woman.

    I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to stay home with my little hoodlum, but there are often times that I wonder if I’ve made the right choice. Did I choose this because it was the easiest path? It isn’t turning out to be that easy. The lack of mental stimulation I dredge through on a daily basis is numbing. I love my daughter, but am I actually hurting her because of my lack of natural mothering skills and my struggle to stay emotionally fulfilled?

    Will I be able to get a job and further the ambitions that I still hold dear when she is old enough to go to school? Rate of tenured female professors with children is only 30%, and that’s if a break is not taken on a PhD track.

    It’s so difficult to make these choices. It’s so hard to know what’s “right.” All I know is that you and I are doing what we think is right. I’m so grateful to be on this motherhood journey with you, and you will always be an inspiration to me. Soldier on mother warrior.

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